My Story
by Kathy Robbins
Scared
My beautiful son Jonathon ended his life 29 days ago. He was only 22. How 29 days can seem like only yesterday is amazing to me at times. When I heard of parents having a child who died, I always thought that it would be the worst pain possible and thought that I could understand how awful it would be. Until it happens to you, you realize it is a billion times worse than you ever could have imagined.
We were lucky in the sense that we didn't have a lot of the why questions after Jonathon's suicide. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression and was just released from the hospital the day of his death. We thought he was ready to come home. And although it was a huge shock to come home to find that he had hung himself, I knew that he just wanted the pain to end. I wish that he would have given his medication more time to work, but I realize that no matter how much I want it, nothing will let me turn back the clock so I could still have his physical body here with me.
Noone teaches you how to do this. How do you let go of someone who you love so much? I hold onto the fact that Jonathon knew how much I loved him, how much I supported him and how proud I was of him and all the progress that he made. I will ALWAYS be proud of Jonathon! I am not ashamed to say that he had a mental illness and commited suicide. I think as suicide survivors it is our job to try to end some of the stigma that goes along with suicide. I do this by being honest with people about what happened. You think this only happens to other people, I want people to know if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I was amazed at how many people in my small community were touched somehow by suicide. We had numerous people that came up to us and told us that they had attempted suicide in the past or that someone they loved had taken their own life. We are not alone. It is definetely not a club that I wanted to join, but just knowing that there are other people out there who totally understand what I'm going through gives me some comfort. We are not alone and our loved ones actions are nothing to be ashamed of.
Since Jonathon's death I have been reaching out and trying to obtain as much knowledge and support as I can. I understand that everyone's grieving process is different, but one thing that has been happening to me and that I have never been able to find anything on while searching the internet is the fact that i am scared. I am scared to be alone, I am scared to open any door that is closed, I am scared to have my shower curtain shut, I am scared to go outside at night by myself, I am just basically scared of everything. I don't understand what I am necessarily afraid of, and sometimes I feel really stupid or even guilty for being scared. I know it's probably just facing the unknown. We were the ones to find Jonathon when we opened the garage door, so I know somewhere in my brain things are trying to get processed. I searched the internet for this and came up with nothing so I thought I was alone and kept it to myself. Then my 16 year old daughter came up to me and had the courage to tell me she was experiencing the same thing. Although I was sad to know that she was suffering, I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone. I went to my first suicide loss support group and shared my feelings of fear. One of the other ladies there said she was experiencing the same thing, but wouldn't have had the courage to say it. She was also there when they found her sister, so I don't know if that is the connection or not, I just want others to know if they are feeling scared, they are not alone.
I miss Jonathon every second of every day, but there are three things that I tell myself everyday to get me through. The first is that I would rather spend every day for the rest of my life on earth suffering, than to have him be in one more second of pain. This does not mean that I wouldn't change things if I could. I would rather have him here with me, supporting him in whatever way I needed to and getting his meds working so he didn't have to be in pain. But, this isn't an option for me anymore. Second, I thank God for the 22 wonderful years he let me be Jonathon's mom. Some people never get to experience that kind of love, and I got it for 22 years! And third, I thank God and Jonathon for the gifts they gave me the last 2 months of his life. At Christmas time, Jonathon had severed his ties from his family. He didn't come home for Christmas and wanted nothing to do with us. My heart was broken. Then on February 22nd, he came home in the middle of the night asking for help. He told us the problems he was having and we got to spend the last two months of his life loving him and supporting him. He moved back home, got to know his brother & sister again, repaired the relationship with his father and let me be his Mommy. Hovering, laying in bed with him, stroking his hair telling him that I'd be strong enough for the both of us when he didn't think he'd be able to make it. Although it makes me cry reliving it, how lucky was I? The last words we all said to Jonathon were that we loved him and he told us he loved us too. Even though the pain is unbearable at times, I hold onto my gifts tightly. I try to continue to be a good mom to him by staying as strong as I can, loving him still with all my heart and working on finding a way for his wonderful life to make a difference for someone else.